The Image In the Mirror

You see a beautiful woman

who is strong and who is kind

I see a list of imperfections

who is awkward and who is shy

Most can say "thank you"

with a confident smile

when a compliment is offered

to them once in a while

I stutter and I stammer

or laugh and look away

thinking they can't be talking about me

no matter what they say

I wish that I could feel

that I deserve a stranger's praise

or the kind word from a friend

who's sincerity is in their face

How can I be seen as beautiful

I haven't reached my goal

How can I be seen as strong or kind

when I'm feeling outta control

I am not happy with what I see

I don't like being in my skin

How can I see beauty

When there's only disgust within

I have a lot to be proud of

A lot going for me here

But none of that changes

The image in the mirror

I still remember...

I will never forget what happened on this day 9 years ago. I still remember sights, smells, emotions as if they happened yesterday. In all truth I remember that day better than I can remember most of yesterday. I was not a person directly affected by the attack on September 11, 2001, but I am an American citizen, then a high school senior, that felt the impact of what had transpired. Today my husband, 9 years later, is overseas supporting the mission that I feel started earlier than that day.
It started like any other day for me. I woke up, got ready for school and headed out the door with my sister to make our morning stop at the grocery store for breakfast. As normal I searched the radio for sometime to listen to and was disappointed and annoyed that there was only talk radio on. I wanted to listen to music. I didn't even stop on a station long enough to listen to what their message was. As I parked and got out of the truck to head into the store I told my sister to find a CD to listen to. I now think this is funny because the distance that it took for us to get to school from the store wasn't even long enough for us to finish a song, but I didn't want to hear radio DJs talking. When I got back into the truck with our breakfast, my sister had located a CD and we were off. I think this is the only part of that morning that I don't remember as I have forgotten what song we were even listening to or even what the band's name was. Seeing as I was so adamant about listening to something else and the rest of that day was so clear it's funny to me that this part of the morning didn't have enough meaning to stick in my head. As my sister and I were very involved in choir and most of our friends were as well we met in front of the choir room in the mornings before classes began. My sister and I were the first to arrive and sat to eat. Not too long after our friends arrived with distraught looks on their faces. "Have you heard? Did you see?" "Heard what?" "Planes hit the Twin Towers in New York." "What? Are you kidding?" was the way the conversation proceeded. We hadn't even gotten the whole story from them when our coir director showed up and unlocked the door. We all ushered in and immediately turned on the TV. We didn't have to pick any station in particular because the coverage was already on every channel. We stood in silence watching the images on the screen for maybe 2 minutes before we witnessed the first tower crumble. It is a sight that I will never forget and I have seen many times since, but nothing compares to watching it live. It seemed like what you should have seen in a movie as special effects. I still have a hard time believing what I saw, but there it was. I barely recognized that many more people had filtered into the room with us and were watching in the same stunned silence.
As students and teachers we all had a responsibility, an obligation, to continue through our day though it was far from normal. Classes did not contain lessons. They were nearly silent as we continued to watch the coverage. If anyone spoke it was about the fact they knew someone in New York or they couldn't believe that something like this was happening. It seemed that we were all in shock. One teacher in particular had a very difficult time with this. She had family in New York and were waiting to hear anything from them about those who worked near the World Trade Center. She sat at her desk, eyes never leaving the screen. She was one of the most vibrant teachers I had ever had and it was heart breaking to see her so depressed and distraught.
The rest of the day was spent in a similar stunned silence by everyone that I came in contact with. Whether anyone was directly affected or not it still rocked the foundation of our sense of safety and we all waited for what was next. That evening I watched press conferences with the President and footage of the events of that morning and cried. I cried for the ones who were lost, the ones who lost family, friends, I cried for the country who was so unprepared and didn't know how to respond and I cried for me because I never in my life thought I would witness such a horrific tragedy and I was scared.
Again that day will live on in my mind, unfailing forever. I feel for my son who is watching me today getting teared up and not understanding why. I pray that never in his lifetime will he something so terrible. I hope we can all have a moment of prayer and remembrance for those affected by, directly or indirectly, the devastation of the attacks on September 11, 2001. WE WILL NOT FORGET!

Been awhile

Ok I know it has been awhile since I wrote anything and trust me there has been plenty to write. It has been such a crazy time and it is beginning to become increasingly difficult to sort out my thoughts and feelings enough to lay them out.

I will start by saying that we are into this deployment full on now and I have to say I think I am handling it a little better than I anticipated. I am able to sleep at night (for the most part) and I don't cry during the day. I have much more to focus on and that is helping. I am sure that there will be times that the loneliness overwhelms me (like tonight to be honest) and I will do my best to work through it. I feel pretty strong right now and I just hope that I can hold onto that feeling for awhile.

The kids are the things in my life that keep me on my toes the most and for the most part I am grateful for that. Christian is in full potty training mode which takes a lot out of us all, but we are taking it as it comes so to speak. He is doing pretty well all things considered and I am proud of him. I really do see the end of the tunnel coming up quick. My little man is growing up. Speaking of growing up, my daughter is now (and still) fighting with her teeth that have yet to make an appearence at this party. The poor thing has her good days and bad days and let me tell you when she has a bad day we all have a bad day. I love her to death and I wish that I could just make the pain stop for her. I hope this stage passes soon so we can enjoy the next step. My kids are so special and make everyday a joy and a challange and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've decided that I HATE dieting and I think it sucks. I've been actively dieting and exercising since Easter and I am starting to get tired of constantly having to concentrate on what I eat and when I eat and what I do. For me weight loss is such a struggle that it is becoming depressing. I see a drop in the scale and I do my little happy dance and feel proud of myself, but at the same time I'm thinking "I am having to kick myself in the butt day in and day out for this?" At times it almost doesn't seem worth it. I do have to say that I am finally down to my prepregnancy weight and that is awesome, but if I slip even a little that can all change. This weekend for example, I slacked off some and ate a little too much and I gained .2 pounds. Now that may not seem like a lot, but understanding what I have to do to get even that little bit of weight back off is truly upsetting. I do have determination and a desire to make it work, but my will is faltering a little. Someone just needs to kick me in the butt and just tell me to quit whining and get over it, it's for your own good. Ugh...did I mention I HATE dieting?
Ok my little rant is over. Off to bed with me.

Waves

It's hitting me in waves that he is gone and not coming back for months. One moment I am fine and the next I can't believe how totally alone I feel. His visit was bittersweet to say the least and not at all what I expected overall, but despite some rough road it was worth it and necessary. I think there were a lot of things left unsaid and I am not sure if that was hurtful or helpful and only time will tell at this point. From minute one of his leave I could feel a tension and it never let up. In fact it seemed to get worse at times. I really did want to bring up some things that were weighing heavily on me, but ultimately I decided that this was not the time to have deep conversation and drag up painful emotions. My goal for the week was to get through it without breaking down (too much) and allow him to spend as much quality time with the kids as he could. Mission accomplished in my opinion. He left this early this morning to rejoin his unit and again I am having trouble with dealing with the sadness. This morning, after we got a few hours sleep, I let a few tears go while watching TV with the kids and my precious two year old son comes up to me, wipes my face and asks "Ok mommy?" I wanted to sob. I know now that I have to be stronger for them. I'm sure it is not good for the kids to see mommy so sad all the time so today I held back whatever tears I could and now have a horrible headache to show for it. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep away a couple of days and let my subconscious process my emotions some. For now I must settle for my few hours instead.

Brave

*deep breath* So today I was a big girl and I faced a personal challange alone. I sat in a doctor's office waiting room for an hour, in the exam room for 30 minutes and lived through a 20 minute procedure on my own. In one sense I am proud of myself and proved that I can handle difficult emotional and physical issues without someone right next to me, but in the other I am sad that I had to at all. I know that is what we signed up for when he joined the National Guard, but I don't think I had full understanding of what all of that meant. I do now. I believe that my recent challange would have been easier for me to face had we been apart for a longer period of time because him only being gone for two months has not given me enough time to gain the confidence in myself that I can push on as, simply, a single parent. But who's to say I guess, it might always be this hard. There will always be obstacles to face and the way we all, as a family, handle them will change based upon the needs of the moment.
As for the procedure itself that was truly something I don't want to go through again. It wasn't really as bad as I expected, but it was by no means pleasant. During the initial stages I felt my body go into shock which sent me into full anxiety attack mode, but I held it together as best I could...at least until I got to the car. My prayer is that the results come back from the pathologist non cancerous and that they got it all. Like I said, that is not something I want to repeat.
I do think that this was a growing experience for me, as not fun as it was. I feel a little better about my ability to handle emotional situations and deal with personal demons in a healthy manner. Thank you, by the way, to everyone who has sent well wishes and prayers. I'm that was what held me up today.

Why can't I just cry?

I just want to cry. Period. I don't allow myself to get emotional unless I can't control it, but I wish I could just cry now and get it out and over with. I have so many pent up feelings and most are making me sad. I think weighing most heavily on my mind right now is that on Monday I go in for my LEEP procedure and I am scared. I'm not so much scared of the procedure itself because I feel pretty confident in that, but I am scared of doing it alone. I am hating the thought of being in that sterile room going through all of this by myself. I keep trying to tell myself, "Magen, you are a big girl. You can handle this. You have a whole year of doing things on your own." But in a way those thoughts make it harder. I feel weak for not living up to them. God, I swear I am chasing myself around in circles here. I know what I need to do and how I should feel, but really all I want it is to see my husband and have him hold my hand. This is truly much harder than I anticipated. From what I am told he is not going to be very available for the next week due to training exercises in the field so I feel very cut off and that hurts too because I can't even cry to him on the phone (not that I want to upset him either, but I'm sure that is what I will need). I don't know how to make these negative thoughts go away. My therapist says they are normal, not to fight them, but don't let them consume me, but they hurt so bad it's hard not to. I really am struggling here. Ugh.

Ramblings

I am having a hard time lately and I have a sinking feeling that it will only get worse over the next year. I am already beginning to suffer from communication issues with my husband and he's not even out of the country yet. Is that horrible or what?

This last week or so I have noticed that our conversations are very brief, often interupted, and include very surface level topics. I'm not trying to say that I want to have super deep conversations all the time or even some of the time really, but I suppose my problem lies with my other two conversation issues interfering with the potential need for more deep conversation.

It seems like every five minutes he is talking to someone else in the room or one the kids is demanding my attention and it quickly ends whatever conversation we were having or severely divides our attention. I hate to say it, but it hurts me. I am also feeling that he is super distracted, which I totally understand trust me, but it is hard to have a conversation with someone when they are only half there.

Now I feel bad also because I feel like I am expection or asking too much and I know, like I said before, that it is most likely going to get worse. We are going to go days or more without any conversation and for sure not have enough time to say everything that we want to or have those serious conversations and I am sure there will be the same or bigger distractions once he is in country.

I know this is just a hurdle that we have to cross and we will, but I am just starting to try and process it and it is hard. Very few people in my world understand the turmoil this causes for me though many people try to and that creates a whole new kind of loneliness for me at the end of the day. I am very grateful that therapy is this week because I really feel that I could use someone neutral to talk to.

On a lighter note, my son said the cutest thing to me the other day and it was the last thing I thought of before I drifted off to sleep last night and it left a smile on my face.

On our way out the door to leave for a friends house I changed clothes and put on a new maxi dress that I splurged on (a whole $10 whoohoo). It is really springy and bright pink.

As I am gathering up our things to head out my son (mind you he is two) stands next to me, takes ahold of the skirt, shakes it some and says "buetiful mommy." It took me a moment for what he said to register as I was pretty focused on what I was doing, but when I realized I knealt down and asked him what he said and he repeated "you buetiful mommy."

I swear I wanted to cry. Those are the moments that I will remember for a lifetime and that take my breath away when I think about them. Sometimes it is so thrilling to hear those words and it really doesn't matter from who, but when a child, of two no less, can express that to you you tend to believe it.

Weight loss

The weight loss site (MyFitnessPal.com) that I am using helps you make cool tickers so I thought I would share :)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

And the results are in...

So I got the call from my doctor's office today regarding the results of my biopsy. It's not cancer. Thank God. I didn't really think that it was going to be cancerous, but sometimes you just never know. That is part of the good news. I still do have to get treatment, so the other part of the good news is that the treatment procedure can be done in the office so there will be no hospital visit in my immediate future. Yay. On the down side, the level of precancer is high. The medical assistant explained to me that there are three levels of cell growth with my results being in level 3. That level is called severe dysplasia or carcinoma-in-situ (which translated means "cancer in place"). Though level 3 is still completely treatable it still worries me that the level advanced so quickly. The treatment that my doctor is going to perform in a couple of weeks is called the LEEP procedure. From what I have heard and read it is very effective and minimally invasive (as far as these things go I guess). I'm also happy to say that, from what I understand, this procedure will not affect my future fertility (though I do not expect to get pregnant again any time soon for obvious and not so obvious reasons LOL), but I know there are always risks. I have my fingers crossed all the way around so hopefully this will be then end of it. I just figured I would provide an update and also say thank you to everyone who has offered support and good wishes along the way.

Discouraged

It's been a few days since I posted last. I think I have been avoiding because I feel like I have nothing good to say. However, the more I don't say anything the more I feel like I'm going to go crazy so here I go.

I miss my husband a lot. We have made the decision together that we are going to wait to see each other until his leave during his deployment. Though I am not at all happy about this I understand the rational and am working on accepting it. It is a struggle at this point. I miss what he did around the house for me too. I am feeling overwhelmed with all of my roles, the new and the old. I feel like I am trying to do it all and failing at half of it. Ugh! On a more personal note I miss him just being here. I would love a huge hug from during my hard times (which are a little more numerous lately). I miss going to bed together. Hell, I miss his snoring. I know we will get through this, I know I am strong enough to make it, but the adjustment is brutal and kicking my butt.

Next, I am fighting with myself about my weight loss or lack of. I am really trying very hard to adhere to a diet of eating healthier and drinking a lot of water with the addition of exercise, but I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. I know I am not going to see results overnight and I am not expecting to, but somehow I am feeling very discouraged about the whole thing. I am tired of looking the way that I do and I know that I need to loose some weight for my health and my happiness, but I keep looking the mirror and wondering "when?" When am I going to like what I see? When am I going to see ANY change in a positive direction? I have to say I was thrilled when the nurse at the doctor's office didn't have to move the giant weight over to the 200 side of the scale, but the number was still high...too high. Someday I want to be happy with myself again and feel good in my skin.

Lastly, tomorrow is the start of a new "work week" and I will be sitting by the phone everyday waiting for the phone call from my doctor's office about the results of my biopsy. I am praying that the news isn't as bad as my dreams make it out to be. The way my doctor spoke during the proceedure really didn't instill any confidence in me that everything was ok. I know he couldn't say one way or the other without the clinical results, but the tone of his voice scared me. Rationally I know I will be fine, but the knowledge that no matter what the results come out as I will have to have treatments to correct the problem is weighing heavy on me. The severity of the treatments all rest in that one phone call that I hope comes sooner than later so that I can just get through this one way or the other. God give me the strength...

Ok so that is my ranting for this evening. I really don't know if I feel better yet, but I am glad to get it out. So now I am going to take a deep breath, take a bath and focus on tomorrow.

Turmoil and bad news

So today I went to my OB/GYN and got some bad news about a test. We are waiting for accurate results from the lab, but my doctor is sure that I will need treatments to take care of the issue and the severity of the procedure necessary will be determined by those results. I would love to say that I know it will all be ok and it's probably nothing and that I'm handling the news well, but I can't and I don't think I am. I am scared and I am nervous and though I have a ton of support from everyone around me I feel alone. All I could think today is I want my husband here to give me a hug and hold me, but I know that's not possible for a while so I have to be stronger. The test today has made me feel sick to my stomach (more the news than the procedure itself) and my body hurt and I'm trying to hold it together emotionally, but I'm finding it difficult when I have too much time to think. You can never choose the timing of bad news or avoid it, you just have to deal with it and I am very grateful for the help that I do have so that makes it easier for me to take to a point. I just want to crawl into bed and cry because I have been avoiding doing that in front of the kids. They are not old enough to understand any of this and I don't need them to worry about mommy at all. I will get through this, hopefully as unscathed as possible, but I am anticipating meltdowns and fear in my near future. I just needed to get it off my chest. Love all.

Thoughts

These last few days have been extremely rough. Ever since my therapy on Wednesday I have felt like I've been in this weird funk and I don't like it. I'm still working on processing everything and I feel like I am taking steps backwards here. I am moody and just generally down feeling and I'm trying to work through it, but when I start to talk about it to someone I feel like crying so I shut down. I am very worried that we won't be able to see my husband again until he gets leave and that is really weighing heavy on my mind. I know the topic is bothing him as well and I hate feeling like I am putting more pressure on him. I think it would be good for the kids I and I to see him one last time before he leaves country, but the financial issue is really the only deciding factor. It makes more sense in the timeline of things for the kids and I venture to where he is, but is at least double or more what it would cost him to come home. If he comes home though it costs us 2 or 3 days of time together due to travel. I wish I could just say that we'll be ok and to not worry about it and take that stress off the table, but the selfish part of me doesn't want to give up the spending a couple more days with him. I don't know what to do and this is something, that again, has been weighing me mentally.

Also time is going by much slower than I would like. Even with the number of appointments or scheduled events that the kids and I have been rushing to lately I was reminded today (rather slapped in the face by the reality) that my husband has not even been out of the state for two weeks yet. To me that is completely depressing. It's not that I want him to leave the country any faster it's just that I really wish these 400 days were going faster.

I wish I felt better. I wish I could be, or at least sound, more upbeat when I have the moments to talk to him. I wish that my moods would stop doing nosedives. I wish that I could sleep soundly. I wish that I were actually handling this stress even half as well as I present myself to the world. Dear God grant me the stength to make it through this.

Seeking sanity

Last night I came to a stern realization that I may be overworking myself and need to par down my focus a little. I am currently enrolled in online classes in pursuit of my degree in accounting and I am very proud of myself regarding how far I have gotten to this point, but my grades are beginning to reveal a very divided focus. My husband left the state last week to begin his deployment and I am hoping that my children and I can find a stable routine and I can thrive as a mom and a person in this change. For the last few months, however, my focus has been on making sure that we had every minute we could with my husband and making sure that all of us were prepared for everything that was about to transpire. My grades, as I said, have suffered severely. I am considering taking a break to let all of it process and give myself time to mourn his loss so to speak. I am loosing sleep over this decision because I know the goal of both my husband and I is that I have a job by the end of the year. I'm not sure what an extended break would do to that goal, but I know I have to think of my sanity in this situation. I believe that the stress of all that is going on in my life is taking its toll on my children as well and that is the last thing in the world that I want. I can pretend to be super-mom all I want: being the best homemaker, the excelling full time student, the supportive army wife, the powerful indivdual, and even wear the cape, but even superheros have a weakness. I think my desire to be everything to everyone at the expense of my personal mental health is mine.

On a seperate note, the kids and I made it through our first holiday without daddy with us. We had a fun filled day with friends on Saturday, a beautiful Easter on Sunday and a great time at the ballpark with family on Monday. I have to say, as busy as my weekend was, I really was ok until I went home. With family or friends with me since Saturday morning I really didn't have a spare second to feel sorry for myself. The drive home was bittersweet because I wanted to be home badly, but it saddened me knowing that the three of us were all who would be there. I know this is only the first of many holidays that we will spend apart this year, but I am proud to say that we made it intact. We'll see what my therapist says about that tomorrow. LOL

And it's done

After months and months of planning, preparations, and an seemingly unending emotional rollercoaster the day has come and gone. Tomorrow morning the troops of the 2220th TC will leave for further in country training and will leave from there.

I started this journey with a will to thrive and be strong and all I feel now is crushed and lonely. I keep telling myself it is too early to feel this deveated and anxious, but those I say that to tell me it's normal and not to fight it too much. I know I must be as strong as I can for my kids as well as myself, but I know I am going to find it hard to sleep to night anticipating the phone call from him in the morning saying that they are taking off and he will call when he lands.

I am nervous for us all and how this will impact us. My kids are my life and their adjustment is my biggest fear. I don't want my son to feel angry or too sad and I want my daughter to know her dad. We have put in place as many plans and things to help with this as we could think of, but even the best laid plans have potholes or fail.

I still have a resolve to survive this and I know the support of those who love me and my family will hold us up in the tough times, but I am sad now and I don't want to fight that anymore.

Finally alone here in the safety and quiet of my house I cry as I didn't allow myself to before. I am going to take it one day at a time and hope tomorrow is better though I am sure it will be hard.

Our last days

This has been a bittersweet few days. On the one hand beautiful and lasting memories were made and I wouldn't have changed a thing. On the other hand I am saddened by the thought that for over a year my husband will not be a part of our holiday and day to day memories for the most part. He will always be in our thoughts and our hearts as we trudge through our days, but it isn't quite the same. I already miss him.

Thursday was such a sweet day as hectic as it all was. I have wonderful pictures of family and friends to look back on and smile. One moment, the first in a long while, brought me to tears by the sudden realization that we were going to have anymore of those precious times. My 2 year old son wanted to dance with Daddy and so they danced, surrounded by friends and country music, in the middle of our garage. Many friends saw the tears in my eyes and embraced me offering all the help that they could give and telling me that I was so strong. Sometimes I feel that way (maybe because I have to force myself to) and sometimes I feel weak and small.

Tomorrow my children and I will go to church before heading out of town to visit with daddy one last time. I want myself and my kids to find faith and a safe place to express the deep emotions that I am sure we will all have. I have always had a desire to know God more, but I never took the steps to make that happen now. Big changes in life make you realize that you need help and more than anything I want peace within and unfortunately none of my friends or family can provide that for me. My first of many prayers is that this year goes by quickly and safely for each of us and that we learn to deal with the moments in a healthy manner.

My thoughts

I decided that maybe if I write down my thoughts and feelings during my husband's deployement it would help me process them in a healthy way. I enjoy my life but I completely understand this will be one of the hardest things I will have to go through. Writing has always helped me in the past and I can only assume that it will now as well. So we are going to give this a try. Wish me luck.