Waves

It's hitting me in waves that he is gone and not coming back for months. One moment I am fine and the next I can't believe how totally alone I feel. His visit was bittersweet to say the least and not at all what I expected overall, but despite some rough road it was worth it and necessary. I think there were a lot of things left unsaid and I am not sure if that was hurtful or helpful and only time will tell at this point. From minute one of his leave I could feel a tension and it never let up. In fact it seemed to get worse at times. I really did want to bring up some things that were weighing heavily on me, but ultimately I decided that this was not the time to have deep conversation and drag up painful emotions. My goal for the week was to get through it without breaking down (too much) and allow him to spend as much quality time with the kids as he could. Mission accomplished in my opinion. He left this early this morning to rejoin his unit and again I am having trouble with dealing with the sadness. This morning, after we got a few hours sleep, I let a few tears go while watching TV with the kids and my precious two year old son comes up to me, wipes my face and asks "Ok mommy?" I wanted to sob. I know now that I have to be stronger for them. I'm sure it is not good for the kids to see mommy so sad all the time so today I held back whatever tears I could and now have a horrible headache to show for it. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep away a couple of days and let my subconscious process my emotions some. For now I must settle for my few hours instead.