Discouraged

It's been a few days since I posted last. I think I have been avoiding because I feel like I have nothing good to say. However, the more I don't say anything the more I feel like I'm going to go crazy so here I go.

I miss my husband a lot. We have made the decision together that we are going to wait to see each other until his leave during his deployment. Though I am not at all happy about this I understand the rational and am working on accepting it. It is a struggle at this point. I miss what he did around the house for me too. I am feeling overwhelmed with all of my roles, the new and the old. I feel like I am trying to do it all and failing at half of it. Ugh! On a more personal note I miss him just being here. I would love a huge hug from during my hard times (which are a little more numerous lately). I miss going to bed together. Hell, I miss his snoring. I know we will get through this, I know I am strong enough to make it, but the adjustment is brutal and kicking my butt.

Next, I am fighting with myself about my weight loss or lack of. I am really trying very hard to adhere to a diet of eating healthier and drinking a lot of water with the addition of exercise, but I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. I know I am not going to see results overnight and I am not expecting to, but somehow I am feeling very discouraged about the whole thing. I am tired of looking the way that I do and I know that I need to loose some weight for my health and my happiness, but I keep looking the mirror and wondering "when?" When am I going to like what I see? When am I going to see ANY change in a positive direction? I have to say I was thrilled when the nurse at the doctor's office didn't have to move the giant weight over to the 200 side of the scale, but the number was still high...too high. Someday I want to be happy with myself again and feel good in my skin.

Lastly, tomorrow is the start of a new "work week" and I will be sitting by the phone everyday waiting for the phone call from my doctor's office about the results of my biopsy. I am praying that the news isn't as bad as my dreams make it out to be. The way my doctor spoke during the proceedure really didn't instill any confidence in me that everything was ok. I know he couldn't say one way or the other without the clinical results, but the tone of his voice scared me. Rationally I know I will be fine, but the knowledge that no matter what the results come out as I will have to have treatments to correct the problem is weighing heavy on me. The severity of the treatments all rest in that one phone call that I hope comes sooner than later so that I can just get through this one way or the other. God give me the strength...

Ok so that is my ranting for this evening. I really don't know if I feel better yet, but I am glad to get it out. So now I am going to take a deep breath, take a bath and focus on tomorrow.