Why can't I just cry?

I just want to cry. Period. I don't allow myself to get emotional unless I can't control it, but I wish I could just cry now and get it out and over with. I have so many pent up feelings and most are making me sad. I think weighing most heavily on my mind right now is that on Monday I go in for my LEEP procedure and I am scared. I'm not so much scared of the procedure itself because I feel pretty confident in that, but I am scared of doing it alone. I am hating the thought of being in that sterile room going through all of this by myself. I keep trying to tell myself, "Magen, you are a big girl. You can handle this. You have a whole year of doing things on your own." But in a way those thoughts make it harder. I feel weak for not living up to them. God, I swear I am chasing myself around in circles here. I know what I need to do and how I should feel, but really all I want it is to see my husband and have him hold my hand. This is truly much harder than I anticipated. From what I am told he is not going to be very available for the next week due to training exercises in the field so I feel very cut off and that hurts too because I can't even cry to him on the phone (not that I want to upset him either, but I'm sure that is what I will need). I don't know how to make these negative thoughts go away. My therapist says they are normal, not to fight them, but don't let them consume me, but they hurt so bad it's hard not to. I really am struggling here. Ugh.