Thoughts

These last few days have been extremely rough. Ever since my therapy on Wednesday I have felt like I've been in this weird funk and I don't like it. I'm still working on processing everything and I feel like I am taking steps backwards here. I am moody and just generally down feeling and I'm trying to work through it, but when I start to talk about it to someone I feel like crying so I shut down. I am very worried that we won't be able to see my husband again until he gets leave and that is really weighing heavy on my mind. I know the topic is bothing him as well and I hate feeling like I am putting more pressure on him. I think it would be good for the kids I and I to see him one last time before he leaves country, but the financial issue is really the only deciding factor. It makes more sense in the timeline of things for the kids and I venture to where he is, but is at least double or more what it would cost him to come home. If he comes home though it costs us 2 or 3 days of time together due to travel. I wish I could just say that we'll be ok and to not worry about it and take that stress off the table, but the selfish part of me doesn't want to give up the spending a couple more days with him. I don't know what to do and this is something, that again, has been weighing me mentally.

Also time is going by much slower than I would like. Even with the number of appointments or scheduled events that the kids and I have been rushing to lately I was reminded today (rather slapped in the face by the reality) that my husband has not even been out of the state for two weeks yet. To me that is completely depressing. It's not that I want him to leave the country any faster it's just that I really wish these 400 days were going faster.

I wish I felt better. I wish I could be, or at least sound, more upbeat when I have the moments to talk to him. I wish that my moods would stop doing nosedives. I wish that I could sleep soundly. I wish that I were actually handling this stress even half as well as I present myself to the world. Dear God grant me the stength to make it through this.