Why can't I just cry?

I just want to cry. Period. I don't allow myself to get emotional unless I can't control it, but I wish I could just cry now and get it out and over with. I have so many pent up feelings and most are making me sad. I think weighing most heavily on my mind right now is that on Monday I go in for my LEEP procedure and I am scared. I'm not so much scared of the procedure itself because I feel pretty confident in that, but I am scared of doing it alone. I am hating the thought of being in that sterile room going through all of this by myself. I keep trying to tell myself, "Magen, you are a big girl. You can handle this. You have a whole year of doing things on your own." But in a way those thoughts make it harder. I feel weak for not living up to them. God, I swear I am chasing myself around in circles here. I know what I need to do and how I should feel, but really all I want it is to see my husband and have him hold my hand. This is truly much harder than I anticipated. From what I am told he is not going to be very available for the next week due to training exercises in the field so I feel very cut off and that hurts too because I can't even cry to him on the phone (not that I want to upset him either, but I'm sure that is what I will need). I don't know how to make these negative thoughts go away. My therapist says they are normal, not to fight them, but don't let them consume me, but they hurt so bad it's hard not to. I really am struggling here. Ugh.

Ramblings

I am having a hard time lately and I have a sinking feeling that it will only get worse over the next year. I am already beginning to suffer from communication issues with my husband and he's not even out of the country yet. Is that horrible or what?

This last week or so I have noticed that our conversations are very brief, often interupted, and include very surface level topics. I'm not trying to say that I want to have super deep conversations all the time or even some of the time really, but I suppose my problem lies with my other two conversation issues interfering with the potential need for more deep conversation.

It seems like every five minutes he is talking to someone else in the room or one the kids is demanding my attention and it quickly ends whatever conversation we were having or severely divides our attention. I hate to say it, but it hurts me. I am also feeling that he is super distracted, which I totally understand trust me, but it is hard to have a conversation with someone when they are only half there.

Now I feel bad also because I feel like I am expection or asking too much and I know, like I said before, that it is most likely going to get worse. We are going to go days or more without any conversation and for sure not have enough time to say everything that we want to or have those serious conversations and I am sure there will be the same or bigger distractions once he is in country.

I know this is just a hurdle that we have to cross and we will, but I am just starting to try and process it and it is hard. Very few people in my world understand the turmoil this causes for me though many people try to and that creates a whole new kind of loneliness for me at the end of the day. I am very grateful that therapy is this week because I really feel that I could use someone neutral to talk to.

On a lighter note, my son said the cutest thing to me the other day and it was the last thing I thought of before I drifted off to sleep last night and it left a smile on my face.

On our way out the door to leave for a friends house I changed clothes and put on a new maxi dress that I splurged on (a whole $10 whoohoo). It is really springy and bright pink.

As I am gathering up our things to head out my son (mind you he is two) stands next to me, takes ahold of the skirt, shakes it some and says "buetiful mommy." It took me a moment for what he said to register as I was pretty focused on what I was doing, but when I realized I knealt down and asked him what he said and he repeated "you buetiful mommy."

I swear I wanted to cry. Those are the moments that I will remember for a lifetime and that take my breath away when I think about them. Sometimes it is so thrilling to hear those words and it really doesn't matter from who, but when a child, of two no less, can express that to you you tend to believe it.

Weight loss

The weight loss site (MyFitnessPal.com) that I am using helps you make cool tickers so I thought I would share :)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

And the results are in...

So I got the call from my doctor's office today regarding the results of my biopsy. It's not cancer. Thank God. I didn't really think that it was going to be cancerous, but sometimes you just never know. That is part of the good news. I still do have to get treatment, so the other part of the good news is that the treatment procedure can be done in the office so there will be no hospital visit in my immediate future. Yay. On the down side, the level of precancer is high. The medical assistant explained to me that there are three levels of cell growth with my results being in level 3. That level is called severe dysplasia or carcinoma-in-situ (which translated means "cancer in place"). Though level 3 is still completely treatable it still worries me that the level advanced so quickly. The treatment that my doctor is going to perform in a couple of weeks is called the LEEP procedure. From what I have heard and read it is very effective and minimally invasive (as far as these things go I guess). I'm also happy to say that, from what I understand, this procedure will not affect my future fertility (though I do not expect to get pregnant again any time soon for obvious and not so obvious reasons LOL), but I know there are always risks. I have my fingers crossed all the way around so hopefully this will be then end of it. I just figured I would provide an update and also say thank you to everyone who has offered support and good wishes along the way.

Discouraged

It's been a few days since I posted last. I think I have been avoiding because I feel like I have nothing good to say. However, the more I don't say anything the more I feel like I'm going to go crazy so here I go.

I miss my husband a lot. We have made the decision together that we are going to wait to see each other until his leave during his deployment. Though I am not at all happy about this I understand the rational and am working on accepting it. It is a struggle at this point. I miss what he did around the house for me too. I am feeling overwhelmed with all of my roles, the new and the old. I feel like I am trying to do it all and failing at half of it. Ugh! On a more personal note I miss him just being here. I would love a huge hug from during my hard times (which are a little more numerous lately). I miss going to bed together. Hell, I miss his snoring. I know we will get through this, I know I am strong enough to make it, but the adjustment is brutal and kicking my butt.

Next, I am fighting with myself about my weight loss or lack of. I am really trying very hard to adhere to a diet of eating healthier and drinking a lot of water with the addition of exercise, but I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. I know I am not going to see results overnight and I am not expecting to, but somehow I am feeling very discouraged about the whole thing. I am tired of looking the way that I do and I know that I need to loose some weight for my health and my happiness, but I keep looking the mirror and wondering "when?" When am I going to like what I see? When am I going to see ANY change in a positive direction? I have to say I was thrilled when the nurse at the doctor's office didn't have to move the giant weight over to the 200 side of the scale, but the number was still high...too high. Someday I want to be happy with myself again and feel good in my skin.

Lastly, tomorrow is the start of a new "work week" and I will be sitting by the phone everyday waiting for the phone call from my doctor's office about the results of my biopsy. I am praying that the news isn't as bad as my dreams make it out to be. The way my doctor spoke during the proceedure really didn't instill any confidence in me that everything was ok. I know he couldn't say one way or the other without the clinical results, but the tone of his voice scared me. Rationally I know I will be fine, but the knowledge that no matter what the results come out as I will have to have treatments to correct the problem is weighing heavy on me. The severity of the treatments all rest in that one phone call that I hope comes sooner than later so that I can just get through this one way or the other. God give me the strength...

Ok so that is my ranting for this evening. I really don't know if I feel better yet, but I am glad to get it out. So now I am going to take a deep breath, take a bath and focus on tomorrow.

Turmoil and bad news

So today I went to my OB/GYN and got some bad news about a test. We are waiting for accurate results from the lab, but my doctor is sure that I will need treatments to take care of the issue and the severity of the procedure necessary will be determined by those results. I would love to say that I know it will all be ok and it's probably nothing and that I'm handling the news well, but I can't and I don't think I am. I am scared and I am nervous and though I have a ton of support from everyone around me I feel alone. All I could think today is I want my husband here to give me a hug and hold me, but I know that's not possible for a while so I have to be stronger. The test today has made me feel sick to my stomach (more the news than the procedure itself) and my body hurt and I'm trying to hold it together emotionally, but I'm finding it difficult when I have too much time to think. You can never choose the timing of bad news or avoid it, you just have to deal with it and I am very grateful for the help that I do have so that makes it easier for me to take to a point. I just want to crawl into bed and cry because I have been avoiding doing that in front of the kids. They are not old enough to understand any of this and I don't need them to worry about mommy at all. I will get through this, hopefully as unscathed as possible, but I am anticipating meltdowns and fear in my near future. I just needed to get it off my chest. Love all.

Thoughts

These last few days have been extremely rough. Ever since my therapy on Wednesday I have felt like I've been in this weird funk and I don't like it. I'm still working on processing everything and I feel like I am taking steps backwards here. I am moody and just generally down feeling and I'm trying to work through it, but when I start to talk about it to someone I feel like crying so I shut down. I am very worried that we won't be able to see my husband again until he gets leave and that is really weighing heavy on my mind. I know the topic is bothing him as well and I hate feeling like I am putting more pressure on him. I think it would be good for the kids I and I to see him one last time before he leaves country, but the financial issue is really the only deciding factor. It makes more sense in the timeline of things for the kids and I venture to where he is, but is at least double or more what it would cost him to come home. If he comes home though it costs us 2 or 3 days of time together due to travel. I wish I could just say that we'll be ok and to not worry about it and take that stress off the table, but the selfish part of me doesn't want to give up the spending a couple more days with him. I don't know what to do and this is something, that again, has been weighing me mentally.

Also time is going by much slower than I would like. Even with the number of appointments or scheduled events that the kids and I have been rushing to lately I was reminded today (rather slapped in the face by the reality) that my husband has not even been out of the state for two weeks yet. To me that is completely depressing. It's not that I want him to leave the country any faster it's just that I really wish these 400 days were going faster.

I wish I felt better. I wish I could be, or at least sound, more upbeat when I have the moments to talk to him. I wish that my moods would stop doing nosedives. I wish that I could sleep soundly. I wish that I were actually handling this stress even half as well as I present myself to the world. Dear God grant me the stength to make it through this.

Seeking sanity

Last night I came to a stern realization that I may be overworking myself and need to par down my focus a little. I am currently enrolled in online classes in pursuit of my degree in accounting and I am very proud of myself regarding how far I have gotten to this point, but my grades are beginning to reveal a very divided focus. My husband left the state last week to begin his deployment and I am hoping that my children and I can find a stable routine and I can thrive as a mom and a person in this change. For the last few months, however, my focus has been on making sure that we had every minute we could with my husband and making sure that all of us were prepared for everything that was about to transpire. My grades, as I said, have suffered severely. I am considering taking a break to let all of it process and give myself time to mourn his loss so to speak. I am loosing sleep over this decision because I know the goal of both my husband and I is that I have a job by the end of the year. I'm not sure what an extended break would do to that goal, but I know I have to think of my sanity in this situation. I believe that the stress of all that is going on in my life is taking its toll on my children as well and that is the last thing in the world that I want. I can pretend to be super-mom all I want: being the best homemaker, the excelling full time student, the supportive army wife, the powerful indivdual, and even wear the cape, but even superheros have a weakness. I think my desire to be everything to everyone at the expense of my personal mental health is mine.

On a seperate note, the kids and I made it through our first holiday without daddy with us. We had a fun filled day with friends on Saturday, a beautiful Easter on Sunday and a great time at the ballpark with family on Monday. I have to say, as busy as my weekend was, I really was ok until I went home. With family or friends with me since Saturday morning I really didn't have a spare second to feel sorry for myself. The drive home was bittersweet because I wanted to be home badly, but it saddened me knowing that the three of us were all who would be there. I know this is only the first of many holidays that we will spend apart this year, but I am proud to say that we made it intact. We'll see what my therapist says about that tomorrow. LOL