This has been a bittersweet few days. On the one hand beautiful and lasting memories were made and I wouldn't have changed a thing. On the other hand I am saddened by the thought that for over a year my husband will not be a part of our holiday and day to day memories for the most part. He will always be in our thoughts and our hearts as we trudge through our days, but it isn't quite the same. I already miss him.
Thursday was such a sweet day as hectic as it all was. I have wonderful pictures of family and friends to look back on and smile. One moment, the first in a long while, brought me to tears by the sudden realization that we were going to have anymore of those precious times. My 2 year old son wanted to dance with Daddy and so they danced, surrounded by friends and country music, in the middle of our garage. Many friends saw the tears in my eyes and embraced me offering all the help that they could give and telling me that I was so strong. Sometimes I feel that way (maybe because I have to force myself to) and sometimes I feel weak and small.
Tomorrow my children and I will go to church before heading out of town to visit with daddy one last time. I want myself and my kids to find faith and a safe place to express the deep emotions that I am sure we will all have. I have always had a desire to know God more, but I never took the steps to make that happen now. Big changes in life make you realize that you need help and more than anything I want peace within and unfortunately none of my friends or family can provide that for me. My first of many prayers is that this year goes by quickly and safely for each of us and that we learn to deal with the moments in a healthy manner.
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You are absolutely a strong, pure-hearted, alpha-female, and mommy! I swear I look at your life in envy sometimes. You look so content and yeah, you have to deal with the kids and be a good mommy but some days you want to just break down and cry because you miss dusty, so do it! Even the toughest people in the world need to cry sometimes! I thought of you last night because i watched a movie about marines and how hard it is and I cried thinking of how hard it must be for you. I love you Magen and you are truly a role model for those of us aspiring to have the babies and marriage and beautiful home. And i'm happy for you for seeking prayer and help from God, and the people in church and stuff, you will probably find much help in that.. I cant imagine doing it all alone! Just know, when you feel down.. there ARE people looking up to you and admiring your courage and your positive attitude when sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel seems non-existent, everything happens for a reason, and you are DEEPLY loved!!
ReplyDeleteLove, your baby sis Chica