And it's done

After months and months of planning, preparations, and an seemingly unending emotional rollercoaster the day has come and gone. Tomorrow morning the troops of the 2220th TC will leave for further in country training and will leave from there.

I started this journey with a will to thrive and be strong and all I feel now is crushed and lonely. I keep telling myself it is too early to feel this deveated and anxious, but those I say that to tell me it's normal and not to fight it too much. I know I must be as strong as I can for my kids as well as myself, but I know I am going to find it hard to sleep to night anticipating the phone call from him in the morning saying that they are taking off and he will call when he lands.

I am nervous for us all and how this will impact us. My kids are my life and their adjustment is my biggest fear. I don't want my son to feel angry or too sad and I want my daughter to know her dad. We have put in place as many plans and things to help with this as we could think of, but even the best laid plans have potholes or fail.

I still have a resolve to survive this and I know the support of those who love me and my family will hold us up in the tough times, but I am sad now and I don't want to fight that anymore.

Finally alone here in the safety and quiet of my house I cry as I didn't allow myself to before. I am going to take it one day at a time and hope tomorrow is better though I am sure it will be hard.

Our last days

This has been a bittersweet few days. On the one hand beautiful and lasting memories were made and I wouldn't have changed a thing. On the other hand I am saddened by the thought that for over a year my husband will not be a part of our holiday and day to day memories for the most part. He will always be in our thoughts and our hearts as we trudge through our days, but it isn't quite the same. I already miss him.

Thursday was such a sweet day as hectic as it all was. I have wonderful pictures of family and friends to look back on and smile. One moment, the first in a long while, brought me to tears by the sudden realization that we were going to have anymore of those precious times. My 2 year old son wanted to dance with Daddy and so they danced, surrounded by friends and country music, in the middle of our garage. Many friends saw the tears in my eyes and embraced me offering all the help that they could give and telling me that I was so strong. Sometimes I feel that way (maybe because I have to force myself to) and sometimes I feel weak and small.

Tomorrow my children and I will go to church before heading out of town to visit with daddy one last time. I want myself and my kids to find faith and a safe place to express the deep emotions that I am sure we will all have. I have always had a desire to know God more, but I never took the steps to make that happen now. Big changes in life make you realize that you need help and more than anything I want peace within and unfortunately none of my friends or family can provide that for me. My first of many prayers is that this year goes by quickly and safely for each of us and that we learn to deal with the moments in a healthy manner.

My thoughts

I decided that maybe if I write down my thoughts and feelings during my husband's deployement it would help me process them in a healthy way. I enjoy my life but I completely understand this will be one of the hardest things I will have to go through. Writing has always helped me in the past and I can only assume that it will now as well. So we are going to give this a try. Wish me luck.